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On Compression

August 15, 2008

Compression. That overriding feeling of being squished that makes it harder and harder to get up every day, or work on your own projects after normal business hours.

Especially if you’re like me and write code for your bread.

Compression, that feeling of outright guilt that you should be doing something. Anything!! Not just sitting in the dust of your cheetos and pretending WoW is your life.

The constant burning “what next”?

I recently went through a 7 year struggle to achieve a dream. I fought for it so long and dedicated so much that I forgot how to pick up a new monumental task.
I forgot how to find that next thing.

Imagine my surprise, the huge lost feeling that I wrestled with when I won. No more struggle. The battles are done.

Shit, now what?

It took a long time to see, to find the “now what” in my life. But more than that, to see how living for now what can be all consuming and totally unsatisfying. Nothing will ever be awesome or big enough, because, now what?

I watched The Last Lecture. I read the same title. I read Waiter Rant.
Both of them made so much about so little. They showed me what I’d forgotten, how to give myself permission to relax. How to give myself permission to pick a task and be okay with the others languishing.

How to live and enjoy right now, this second, and know I won’t have another like it.
That the last thing I want to do with that precious second is waste it on whining, on waste, on nothingness.

That it’s okay to relax and screw off. Okay to enjoy oneself. Okay to be happy with what one has now.

These are sentiments that are impossible to share with others. Impossible to give to another human. I can tell you it feels like this, can tell you it’s awesome to just let go.

And you’ll say ‘but..’. And that’s okay too. You’re not ready to just be. Maybe you never will be.

But it’s how I found happiness. I found the way to be, content and happy, enjoying what I have right now. Never wondering if my time is wasted. Enjoying it for what it is.

And that is how I beat the compression, the exhaustion of stress. I have permission from myself to relax, no guilt, and do the task before me.

And enjoy the doing.

That said…

Work is still pretty stressful. 🙂

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From → whining

One Comment
  1. LOL.. I Liked he ending.

    What was your dream that you struggled 7 years for?

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